everyone is single if you try hard enough
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
