Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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