Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Is her dick bigger than yours?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
