Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
