you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
