lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
