Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
