my sisters under your porch take her home
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
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