every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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