She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
