So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
