You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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