every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Randomize