maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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