dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Semen is not good for contacts.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Sext me about skeletons
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
