well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
