So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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