i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
