Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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