The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
