just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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