I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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