is your mom at the bar?
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
