Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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