I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
