just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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