threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
