Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
