We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Every concussion has its silver lining
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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