Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
