I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
The struggles of a small town man whore
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
