Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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