I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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