you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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