I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
