Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
