Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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