So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
