Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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