dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
