I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
