omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
BRING THE BAGELS
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize