I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Please don't give away my fajitas
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
