it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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