Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
