Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Randomize
