So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
