I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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