I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
