I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
