Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
