I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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