I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
