I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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