I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
