did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
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