So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Randomize
