There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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