I think i peed on brittanys purse
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Randomize
