I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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