I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize