I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You ruined the universe
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
His nipple licking is glorious
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