He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize