Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
