im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize