bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
