he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
