So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
