we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
