I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
